Hundreds of interviews, two years of my life, to discover the untold story of how mental health experts are making adolescents sicker, sadder, unwilling to grow up
When my now 27 year old was about 9 her small country primary school was broken into and the office vandalised (foam in computers and a bit of grafitti). She came home quite excited and keen to play detective. But the next afternoon she was quite different. She arrived home speaking of being traumatised and violated. Yes! The pschologists had been sent in to deal with the 'trauma' of the children and teachers. I quickly reminded her about how she had felt the day before and she immediately forgot about 'being violated' and reverted to interested detective mode. I learnt so much about the role of experts in creating trauma from this incident and have always sought to help my children find their strengths and resilience.
All my children were adopted as toddlers from India so do have some very real trauma issues but as a family we have always been able to have open conversations about this and my husband and I have tried to support them through their feelings of abandonment, loss, shame and more. While I do know that a really good therapist would probably have helped with some of the legacy issues, especially with my youngest, I have been too wary of the current desire to victimise to turn to the professionals in the hope of finding the very rare good one while risking sending them to a 'bad' one. Given my youngest began to have some 'gender' issues as a 13 year old in 2016 and knowing what I know now about ROGD I am very very thankful I never sent her to a therapist. Especially in my state of Australia where there is an affirmative only model! At 20 she is now a very proud gender critical woman.
BTW, with the school break in it turned out to be a couple of bored teenage ex students who had done the deed.
Painfully accurate. My own field of psychology has been ideologically captured. I hope your book provides much needed courage and solutions to break away from the current group-think.
I’m a developmental psychologist and I completely agree with you. Our field has absolutely lost its way and, as you point out, has been captured ideologically by various factions including, of course, Big Pharma!
Sep 27, 2023·edited Sep 27, 2023Liked by Abigail Shrier
Happy to see another psychologist who sees what's going on. I'm a child psychologist and work in schools and private practice. The capture of our field is real and scary! Just the damage of pharma products to kids (sadly) ensures job security.
But I've been delving into the whole concept of gender for some time, at least as it is promulgated by various factions in psychology: "abandon hope all ye who enter here ...." Absolutely astounded at what a dog's breakfast the whole concept and its applications are. If the practitioners don't know whether they're on foot or horse back then I don't see how they can offer much assistance to those, particularly kids, who supposedly need their services.
But while I certainly don't have a solid grasp of the concepts and issues, I ran across this recently which I think underlines "dog's breakfast":
"Terminology in this area is complex and controversial. Some authors have argued that sex should be used for biologically based differences between males and females, whereas gender should be used for differences between women and men that are produced socioculturally. Others have argued that biological and sociocultural factors are typically intertwined, and thus the distinction between the terms sex and gender should be abandoned."
"The Future of Sex and Gender in Psychology: Five Challenges to the Gender Binary"
Not quite sure how the authors think to "challenge the gender binary" if they haven't got a clue, much less a coherent idea of what they're talking about to begin with. But they might start with the biological definitions for the sexes which have absolutely diddly-squat to do with any "sociocultural differences".
In any case, if you're interested in the topic, you might also be interested in a forthcoming conference (Sept 30) on "Sex/Gender Differences: The Big Conversation":
"What are the roles of biology and social factors in the development of psychological differences between girls and boys, women and men? What is the best way to understand those differences from a scientific standpoint?"
"Not quite sure how the authors think to "challenge the gender binary" if they haven't got a clue, much less a coherent idea of what they're talking about to begin with. But they might start with the biological definitions for the sexes which have absolutely diddly-squat to do with any "sociocultural differences"."
This is typical of the Critical Theorists-make it up as you go along. And no, there is little or no scientific basis for any of this gender affirmation business. For some good information, see this site:
Who is it that you're referring to with your "Critical Theorists"? Me? Or the authors of that "Sex and Gender in Psychology" paper?
Not sure that they can reasonably be called "Critical Theorists" -- I expect that labelling them as "a bunch of women who've bought the feminist party line, hook, line, & sinker" would probably fit. Rather "amused" to note that one of the authors is Daphna Joel, an otherwise credible neuroscientist, who has nailed her feminist "credentials" and articles of faith to the mast. From a post by UK feminist Kathleen Stock [KS]:
KS: "Daphna Joel argued that 'It is time for a world with no gender. A world with no gender means that the form of one’s genitals, whether female, male or intersex, has no social meaning—just as being right- or left-handed has no inherent meaning.' ..."
IF "gender" was just a bunch of stereotypes cut from whole cloth -- hatched only in the inner sanctums of "The Patriarchy!!11! for the sole purpose of "oppressing" women 🙄 -- THEN she might have a point. But, as that article emphasizes, there IS some merit in the view that the term encompasses rather more than just that, i.e., "psychological processes such as identity, femininity, masculinity", AKA personalities which clearly have some biological roots.
In which case there IS, in fact, some "scientific basis for [some] of this gender affirmation business". Making gender just a matter of "social construction" -- AKA nurture -- is just as bad as insisting that it is entirely a matter of biology -- AKA nurture. Many "sexually dimorphic traits" may well be entirely one or the other, but many others are clearly a combination, a mixture of both nature and nurture.
My pre-teen child had the best therapy that Silicon Valley had to offer and yet I continually felt something was off. My daughters lingering crisis seemed to be confirming that. So one sunny day on August 2023 I packed our bags, rented out our wonderful house and we moved out of the US. Bang! Fixed.
It has been one month that we are in Italy. My son stopped his trichotillomania (obsessive hair pulling.) My other child who was considered "high-risk" in California is blooming. Both kids are eager to be at School. Not something we saw while in the States. I am so excited to see what else this move will bring us. And I look forward to reading your book. Thank you so much for all your work, Abigail! I tell all the fellow parents about you, your books and your blog.
I'm excited to read your book. It's getting worse. I've taught part time for 8 years in an adolescent unit of a local psych hospital. COVID did a lot of damage to teens too. Those who have experienced trauma, have neglectful or just plain bad parents suffer from depression and anxiety that normally would be overcome with time and maturity. Add pot for self medicating, low confidence, bullying, gender dysphoria, abuse--and kids want to run into traffic, take a bunch of pills and give up. They do need counseling but sad to hear it's not helping. It's a national tragedy. September is Suicide Awareness Month.
This looks great! As a registered nurse who worked in mental health for over 30 yrs before retiring from that career, and as a current group and individual therapist, I have to say you are absolutely on the right track, Abigail. Mental health and wellbeing interventions for young people seem to be all about inculcating them into the belief that if they have ANY uncomfortable emotions, upsetting thoughts or distressing experiences, there must be something wrong with them, or something wrong with the way they're being treated by others, or something wrong with the world in general. Either way the solution MUST be a diagnosis (or several), meds, psychotherapy and (unbeknownst to them) a lifelong career as a mental health patient. We're creating generations of hyper-fragile kids, who obsessively take their own emotional temperature every 5 minutes (as they're encouraged to do by schools now), some of whom become quite enraged, collapse into a state of infantile paralysis or become histrionic whenever life proves challenging. This is so destructive, and is seemingly motivated by what the Buddhists call "idiot compassion". Chronic avoidance of challenge combined with self-obsession and rumination are diametrically opposed to living well and having good social and emotional wellbeing. But this phenomenon is great for the mental health and pharmaceutical industries' bottom line.
“Mental health and wellbeing interventions for young people seem to be all about inculcating them into the belief that if they have ANY uncomfortable emotions, upsetting thoughts or distressing experiences, there must be something wrong with them, or something wrong with the way they're being treated by others, or something wrong with the world in general.” // Mental health counselor here, with a focus on adolescents. This could not be further from the truth of how I and my colleagues approach adolescent mental health. It’s totally normal and appropriate for young people (and all people, of course!) to experience uncomfortable emotions. It’s more about helping youth recognize that and build skills and resiliency to manage those ups and downs. I think a lot of what we’re seeing in mental health is a pendulum swing. I’m a millennial, 36, and I grew up in a home with two parents who had mental health struggles and soothed them with excessive alcohol use, among other things. I’ve worked hard (in therapy and in other contexts!) to learn other, more healthy coping skills for life’s inevitable difficulties, and I hope to pass along some of my learning. Just wanted to provide a counter-point to what you’ve experienced. I’m sorry that’s the o my model you’ve seen, but it’s not the only one! Thanks for all the years you served, by the way. So much respect for nurses!
You are both correct. There are many doing the things Ashley described, but there are many using other models of therapy. But there's no denying our society more and more treats every discomfort as a crisis, and then wants to medicate.
I touched on this above -- I wonder if, in some instances, treating "discomfort as crisis" might be our generation's over-correction of the previous generation's model of generally ignoring and even actively invalidating mental health issues.
I also wonder if some older adults might have a tendency, at times, to perceive younger adults' valid mental health concerns as insignificant or illegitimate because their own concerns were treated as such. When I speak with older adults about this topic, what I often hear first is that they're frustrated by how "coddled" younger adults are. Then they tend to list out all of the very legitimate and, often, truly traumatic difficulties they dealt with in their younger years, often with a sense of pride that they managed without support. When I validate their experiences, acknowledge their truly resourceful and resilient abilities to cope, and then mention that they deserved way more support than they got for those challenging experiences, many dissolve into tears. When I ask what's happening, most respond with some version of: "I just don't feel like I've ever really been able to say this or be taken seriously." I believe them.
All to say -- I just want to be careful about how we label the challenges our young people are facing today. Effective mental health professionals know (or should know!) how to validate without disempowering. Everyone should leave therapy feeling more empowered, not less empowered. It's honestly the whole point, IMO! But I can see how the pendulum could swing so far into validation that it actually creates a victim mentality. Something to stay aware of.
For what it's worth, I will likely read Abigail's book. All systems and institutions need constant, thoughtful critique. I'm here for it and curious to read what she learned.
I agree, we absolutely need to recognise, not dismiss young people's unhappiness, whatever the cause. Therapy should be about validating and empowering. By validating, we're recognising that a person's in pain. We're not affirming that it's perfectly reasonable to be having a meltdown because their boyfriend forgot to call them first thing in the morning or that it's normal to want to starve yourself or to vomit 12 times a day. Validation isn't affirmation despite the gender clinicians and their advocates confusing the two.
You can certainly be compassionate and understanding while still judiciously and gently pushing for growth and better coping skills. This is what all good therapy does. Dialectical behavioural therapy is a great example. One of its mottos is "you're doing the best you can but you need to do better". DBT is all about mindfulness, relationships, self-reflection and developing the skills that comprise emotional maturity.
I think the mistake schools are making is that they're encouraging kids to focus on their feelings and they're indoctrinating them into the mental health narrative. This is not something untrained people should be doing. It's not the point of school either. Schools are more and more becoming social engineering factories. If they want kids to do well emotionally, there's so much they could do that would be helpful like: reduce the pupil to teacher ratio, provide plenty of time for play, have green spaces to play in, provide decent food, not junk food, make sure there are enough teachers to curtail bullying, keep the classrooms a comfortable temperature, provide fresh air, encourage interest in the external world not ruminative obsession with the internal world etc.
The goal of mental health interventions should be to help people deal with their pain and trauma, gradually reduce self-obsession, improve relationship and coping skills, and start engaging with others and with the world. So often the opposite is happening: people get lost in an isolating and self-defeating vicious cycle of trying to tinker with their emotions and thoughts in the hope of feeling better, which stops them engaging with others and the world, all the while making the likelihood of feeling better more and more remote. It's putting the cart before the horse. We feel better when we engage. Waiting to feel better before engaging is like tinkering with your car in the garage all the time rather than taking it out for a spin.
Good to read of your experience but unfortunately that's not the standard model here in Australia. Counsellors (like me, now that I've retired from nursing) aren't properly recognised, in the sense of having been integrated into the mental health system, and the default path for distressed young people leads frequently to GPs and/or psychiatrists and to medications. Psychologists can be seen at a subsidised rate for a limited number of sessions and they don't prescribe of course, and they do work to build resilience, but they're still expensive and many parents can't afford them on the kind of long-term basis many kids need. Plus the whole community has been indoctrinated into believing that depression and anxiety and a multitude of other emotions and behaviours are "diseases", so why wouldn't they go straight to meds?
There is certainly a recognition that group and individual therapy is important (again, for those who can afford it), but when people are medicated to the degree that I've seen many distressed young people medicated (eg one eating disorder patient I looked after was on 10 psych meds) they don't engage well with psychological therapy. However even more "normal" levels of prescribing dull emotional response. That's how they work.
Just to ward off what I anticipate as possible pushback on this from anyone reading this: drugs can be necessary and helpful at times for people with distress. Yes, but let's face it, they are drugs. People taking illegal drugs also consider them helpful and necessary. However taking them comes with a price tag. One of the costs is emotional and cognitive blunting.
I envy your counsellor-focused system in the US, but I don't know if we'll ever get there. And I suspect there is a huge cohort in the US (where I assume you are) of young people who go straight to psych meds and the "take meds when you're feeling bad" philosophy despite the availability of counsellors. Meds are probably cheaper than counsellors. And thats one of the other costs of the biochemical model. People who believe the problem is biological are less motivated to work on themselves. It can tend to make them passive and rather defeatist just as, from what I've read, people who don't believe in "free will" (the existence of which has been a longstanding philosophical debate) tend to be less optimistic about their ability to take effective action. The mere belief that it doesn't exist tends to disempower people.
(No one reading this who's on psych meds should take anything I've written as advice of any kind, let alone advice to come off meds. That's extremely unwise and must only ever be done under medical supervision.)
I'm with you, Jenny. Have seen, heard and experienced a lot of dysfunction in the field of mental health. It's now an industry that generates huge amounts of $$$ again, for guess who?? The narrative of ' chemical imbalance ' for depression was concocted by big pharma to sell more antidepressants. Mind you, with the additives to food, lack of good dietary habits, stress, and all the other additions to modern life, there might be a case for it, but it's not measurable by blood tests. There is a culture of victim-hood, people not wanting to take responsibility for poor choices, learned helplessness and hopelessness and quick fixes. Very few people want to do the hard yards. I know my view will be unpopular and politically incorrect. I have been a therapist for over 30 years. Few people want to be told the truth in love.
Very well said. In my experience this model is what we got every single time from any dr or psychoatrist who took insurance. Private pay dr's and programs were a completely different model. Insurance got us incompetence, placating, affirming, short appointments, no follow up, and lots and lots of pills. Over years. Private pay ($200K over a year) got us parents and our daughter skilled up and ready to overcome challenges, off most meds, back to highschool, etc etc. We did wilderness therapy, an amazing private pay therapist, and a special ed school that was paid for by the school district but we had to lawyer up for that because its $70K per year and of course the district didnt want to pay... they are almost bankrupt now from families like mine. And so the wheel spins...
Part of why there is such a disparity is just plain CASH. Hate to say it but its true. You simply cant have this conversation without acknowleging the parallel "pay to play" theraputic system in the US that only the elite has access to. And who do you think is making the rules about gender etc? Very telling.
Absolutely. It’s about careers and protecting the institution of psychiatry, which is not to say there aren’t many people of good will working in that field, only that the ones who actually help have largely jettisoned the DSM. The whole model is based on pure fabrication. There is no evidence of any chemical imbalance, nor do drugs target chemical imbalances, instead they cause such imbalances. Because psychiatry largely gave up providing psychotherapy when they embraced the biochemical model, (helped along by the fact that psychologists etc were stealing their patients) psychiatry is now stuck with a model that isn’t evidence based and which leads frequently to individuals acquiring more and more diagnoses and more and more meds.
The general attitude in mental health and in society now is that painful emotions are bad and the solution is prescription drugs. Great way, if taken too far, as it often is unfortunately, to end up obese, emotionally blunted, unable to work or to maintain meaningful social engagement and addicted.
Wilderness therapy is a great approach. We need more of that and similar approaches like care farms where kids get to look after and be around animals. Well done helping your kid!
I just pre-ordered. I have 5 kids and they've turned out pretty good -- a cop, a teacher, a math major, a new college student, and a digital artist. But one of my kids -- the one who moved to NY -- has been in therapy since she was 22. Her therapist has put her on multiple drugs for depression, ADHD, and things I don't even know about. I believe in therapy when there is a serious need -- and sometimes, people need to talk to a neutral third party to work through major issues (divorce, death, etc) ... but my daughter was never abused, she was raised in a solid middle class home with a good education and two parents who, though not perfect, stayed together (30 years and still going.) Virtually every one of her friends (all late 20s/early 30s) goes to therapy. I don't understand this. She thinks I don't support her therapy because I told her that there needs to be an end point -- that 5+ years of therapy is too much. If she has a problem to work through and the therapist can't help her work through it in a year, then maybe it's time to stop. She didn't like that and says I don't understand. .... Now that my oldest has a baby, I'm going to read this book and then give it to her.
Yours is an anecdotal acknowledgment of the deleterious cultural trends we're seeing. Such issues as described in this thread, and no doubt in Ms. Shrier's previous writings, as well as works by Greg Lukianof and Jonathan Haidt, et al, perhaps got a "foot in the door" during the years I was raising kids, but it wasn't widespread and didn't affect them. We raised them to take appropriate risks to learn and gain experience in the maturing process that would serve them as adults. Sounds, sadly, like your youngest fell into the most vulnerable age group/generation that is apt to have the toughest time going forward. I hope you're able to help extricate her from it and set her on a path where she will locate her own internal locus of control and take charge of her own life.
Seven years ago, I began enduring gaslighting and emotional abuse at the hands of therapists. The last therapist I ever spoke to voluntarily was a man who chased me out of his office screaming and swearing at me. When I reported him to the psychological board he was licensed through, I was told that it probably wouldn't make a difference, and he continued to work as a psychologist. The existence of Ms. Shrier's book is the first thing that makes me feel like someone sees and understands my pain. We live in a society that is obsessed with mental health but doesn't put enough regulations on the people we pay money to safeguard it. Our society says "go see a therapist" as the answer to every problem, but when the problem IS therapy-created trauma, there is nowhere left to go. Thank you for your book.
When I was a graduate student in my early twenties I saw one of the university's therapists for a few sessions. At the end of one session, he looked into my eyes and asked me, "Don't you like me?" I left the room without saying a word and never went back.
Wow! That’s terrible! Why does this jerk get a pass but JP needs re-education? Crazy. I believe you though. I resorted to therapy to help process some serious family drama and Kaiser assigned me to a black man who told me in my first session that I was a privileged white woman and I should just stop whining. I was gobsmacked. Last thing I needed. And basically the first time I had ever experienced anything similar because this was in Hawaii where I was born and raised and we didn’t have this kind of dynamic with our vary diverse population in the past. I fired him and have never been to a male therapist since. I kept trying others who did the bare minimum I was so desperate for, but honestly self healing with an energetic therapist was ten times better than dealing with everyone else’s hang ups.
Kaiser got my daughter a renowned eating disorder specialist psychologist, a fat white woman, who informed us that anorexia is caused by fatphobia, and fatphobia "was invented by the thin white men who control the AMA." I fired her. My daughter was so happy, and she recovered, she says, by watching tik tok videos of girls who had recovered from anorexia talking about how great it feels to be a healthy weight and have energy and eat food. (I also continued to take her for weigh ins and spoiled her with as much together time and physical affection/hair braiding as she could accept. And I cooked her favorite meals).
Just wow. Thank goodness your daughter has an intelligent parent who took the necessary steps to procure a recovery. I will definitely pass along the tiktok endorsement!
"Kaiser assigned me to a black man who told me in my first session that I was a privileged white woman and I should just stop whining". The unintended comedy from the woke provides much mirth for me, though I suppose in person it wasn't funny at the moment.
At the time I was not amused at all. I think I responded with a silent but expressive: What TF did you just say to me?? But I would be an un-evolved individual if I couldn't see the humor in it in hindsight.... Thanks for that!
My 65 year old friend has sole custody of her delightful granddaughter who just turned eleven. Several months ago, the child asked to see a therapist, and my friend asked me to help her find a good one. I went through all the local listings posted on Psychology Today but came up empty handed.
Even though this is a southern state, a red state, the therapist profiles bent over backwards to state how "trans" friendly and "inclusive" they were. And I told my friend they all seemed like they'd cause more harm than good. I shudder to think what might have transpired if my friend's dear granddaughter had been subjected to the indoctrination that passes for psychotherapy these days.
Glad to see this pernicious toxin getting an airing! I've been observing this for decades now, in adults and now young people. Recently I watched a 'detransitioner' on Soft White Underbelly, and what struck me was how covetous she was of "my trauma." She seemed to have no other interests than herself and her "trauma." However, it did appear that she made her way to a better therapist who got her off the trans train and out into the world somewhat better off.
At the universities where I work, news stories that bear no relation to where we are beget mass emails encouraging students to seek therapy. When Trump was elected, the students asked what was wrong with me that I wasn't canceling class and crying. I get snarky remarks from colleagues for treating the students like adults. Some years ago, a student jumped out a dorm window (committed suicide) and one of my Korean students had been standing below when this happened. We all received the message to send students to counseling. This student told me that her parents said NOT to take the anti-depressants that were being nudged at her, and what did I think? I told her that even though what she had seen was terrible, and it would disturb her for a while, it would pass, and that she should listen to her parents regarding getting on medication. I then received a phone call from the Director of our department taking me to task for telling the student to listen to her parents and forego getting on anti-depressants. She also told me it was wrong to tell someone that the discomfort would pass. When I tried to convey to her that really, who has a choice, we all have to get on with it, the director said (I cannot stomach this sentiment as it's always used as an excuse for failure to thrive): EVERYBODY'S DIFFERENT!
It would seem obvious that encouraging people to feel upset in the guise of "mental health" would wreak havoc on our mental health. But apparently not. What's worse is that experiences labeled "trauma" are just.... part of life. Add to this the social justice white people bad, heterosexuality bad mantras....
Joshua Slocum and just last week Christopher Rufo argued that we're living in a "Cluster B Society" driven by narcissistic impulses. Absolutely. I hope this book sheds light on this matriarchal malaise. I hate to say it but...the drama queens are running the asylum. We need to wrest it from their control.
Sep 26, 2023·edited Sep 26, 2023Liked by Abigail Shrier
way back in 1969, i went to see a therapist. i was 16 and had a crush on an older boy who was in therapy. it was "the thing to do" and i wanted to impress him. the psychiatrist gave me a month's prescription of Elavil. i took it for a few days but didn't like how i felt so every morning, when my mother gave me my pill, i palmed it and sent it down the sink drain.
after a month, i saw the shrink again and he said "i guess you need a refill on your antidepressant."
i said "you could do that but i'm just putting them down the drain. i haven't taken them for nearly the whole month. i didn't like how they made me feel."
"you don't need them then" was his reply and that was the end of our contact.
in college i majored in psychology with the intent of becoming a therapist but on the way to graduate school, i decided to do something useful instead.
in 1980, i befriended a man who was constantly in therapy. his wife was in therapy; his daughters were in therapy, he and his wife were in couples therapy. they were all in family therapy. i said to him "the only thing that changes in therapy is your bank account relative to the therapist's bank account."
in 2008 he got a divorce, saved a lot of money by not going to therapy and moved in with me.
and also a child and adolescent therapist, I am 100% in agreement with you. Your book helped save my daughter from medicalization because it was the first important work I came upon that finally supported everything that I was thinking but that the world was telling me was wrong. There’s a chance I might be able to be at both your Carolina and Virginia presentations, and I would sit in the front row and show you my unceasing gratitude and support.
I was in the audience last night at UVA. I am so sorry that you have to deal with the same protests and blatant misinformation/indoctrination every time you try to discuss the truth. I have to say that the biology professor upset me the most. Shame on all the adults who are perpetuating this by ignorantly and smugly thinking they are in the right while they do not stop themselves and simply ask, “What are we doing to children? How do these numbers of girls who don’t want to be girls and boys who don’t want to be boys make sense?” I also share your pain about having to speak out against this almost voluntary perpetuation of harm and tortured self identity while there is actual genocide still occurring in the world.
When my now 27 year old was about 9 her small country primary school was broken into and the office vandalised (foam in computers and a bit of grafitti). She came home quite excited and keen to play detective. But the next afternoon she was quite different. She arrived home speaking of being traumatised and violated. Yes! The pschologists had been sent in to deal with the 'trauma' of the children and teachers. I quickly reminded her about how she had felt the day before and she immediately forgot about 'being violated' and reverted to interested detective mode. I learnt so much about the role of experts in creating trauma from this incident and have always sought to help my children find their strengths and resilience.
All my children were adopted as toddlers from India so do have some very real trauma issues but as a family we have always been able to have open conversations about this and my husband and I have tried to support them through their feelings of abandonment, loss, shame and more. While I do know that a really good therapist would probably have helped with some of the legacy issues, especially with my youngest, I have been too wary of the current desire to victimise to turn to the professionals in the hope of finding the very rare good one while risking sending them to a 'bad' one. Given my youngest began to have some 'gender' issues as a 13 year old in 2016 and knowing what I know now about ROGD I am very very thankful I never sent her to a therapist. Especially in my state of Australia where there is an affirmative only model! At 20 she is now a very proud gender critical woman.
BTW, with the school break in it turned out to be a couple of bored teenage ex students who had done the deed.
Good mom!
Hero mom by being rather ordinary - being an adult.
Read Evan Watters' Crazy Like Us.
Painfully accurate. My own field of psychology has been ideologically captured. I hope your book provides much needed courage and solutions to break away from the current group-think.
I’m a developmental psychologist and I completely agree with you. Our field has absolutely lost its way and, as you point out, has been captured ideologically by various factions including, of course, Big Pharma!
Happy to see another psychologist who sees what's going on. I'm a child psychologist and work in schools and private practice. The capture of our field is real and scary! Just the damage of pharma products to kids (sadly) ensures job security.
I'm an electronics technologist -- retired. 🙂
But I've been delving into the whole concept of gender for some time, at least as it is promulgated by various factions in psychology: "abandon hope all ye who enter here ...." Absolutely astounded at what a dog's breakfast the whole concept and its applications are. If the practitioners don't know whether they're on foot or horse back then I don't see how they can offer much assistance to those, particularly kids, who supposedly need their services.
But while I certainly don't have a solid grasp of the concepts and issues, I ran across this recently which I think underlines "dog's breakfast":
"Terminology in this area is complex and controversial. Some authors have argued that sex should be used for biologically based differences between males and females, whereas gender should be used for differences between women and men that are produced socioculturally. Others have argued that biological and sociocultural factors are typically intertwined, and thus the distinction between the terms sex and gender should be abandoned."
"The Future of Sex and Gender in Psychology: Five Challenges to the Gender Binary"
https://medschool.ucsd.edu/som/psychiatry/about/Diversity/Documents/Hyde%20et%20al%202019%20gender%20nonbinary.pdf
Not quite sure how the authors think to "challenge the gender binary" if they haven't got a clue, much less a coherent idea of what they're talking about to begin with. But they might start with the biological definitions for the sexes which have absolutely diddly-squat to do with any "sociocultural differences".
In any case, if you're interested in the topic, you might also be interested in a forthcoming conference (Sept 30) on "Sex/Gender Differences: The Big Conversation":
"What are the roles of biology and social factors in the development of psychological differences between girls and boys, women and men? What is the best way to understand those differences from a scientific standpoint?"
https://santafeboys.org/participants-in-the-big-conversation/
Seems that a "scientific standpoint" is very much lacking in most of what has been said about "gender" so that might be a useful starting point.
"Not quite sure how the authors think to "challenge the gender binary" if they haven't got a clue, much less a coherent idea of what they're talking about to begin with. But they might start with the biological definitions for the sexes which have absolutely diddly-squat to do with any "sociocultural differences"."
This is typical of the Critical Theorists-make it up as you go along. And no, there is little or no scientific basis for any of this gender affirmation business. For some good information, see this site:
https://segm.org/
Who is it that you're referring to with your "Critical Theorists"? Me? Or the authors of that "Sex and Gender in Psychology" paper?
Not sure that they can reasonably be called "Critical Theorists" -- I expect that labelling them as "a bunch of women who've bought the feminist party line, hook, line, & sinker" would probably fit. Rather "amused" to note that one of the authors is Daphna Joel, an otherwise credible neuroscientist, who has nailed her feminist "credentials" and articles of faith to the mast. From a post by UK feminist Kathleen Stock [KS]:
KS: "Daphna Joel argued that 'It is time for a world with no gender. A world with no gender means that the form of one’s genitals, whether female, male or intersex, has no social meaning—just as being right- or left-handed has no inherent meaning.' ..."
https://kathleenstock.substack.com/p/lets-abolish-the-dream-of-gender
IF "gender" was just a bunch of stereotypes cut from whole cloth -- hatched only in the inner sanctums of "The Patriarchy!!11! for the sole purpose of "oppressing" women 🙄 -- THEN she might have a point. But, as that article emphasizes, there IS some merit in the view that the term encompasses rather more than just that, i.e., "psychological processes such as identity, femininity, masculinity", AKA personalities which clearly have some biological roots.
In which case there IS, in fact, some "scientific basis for [some] of this gender affirmation business". Making gender just a matter of "social construction" -- AKA nurture -- is just as bad as insisting that it is entirely a matter of biology -- AKA nurture. Many "sexually dimorphic traits" may well be entirely one or the other, but many others are clearly a combination, a mixture of both nature and nurture.
Take courage colleague, there’s some hopeful signs that people are increasingly opening their eyes.
I love that you are writing about this. What they are doing to children is very lucrative economically, and twice as pathological.
I am so excited about this book!
My pre-teen child had the best therapy that Silicon Valley had to offer and yet I continually felt something was off. My daughters lingering crisis seemed to be confirming that. So one sunny day on August 2023 I packed our bags, rented out our wonderful house and we moved out of the US. Bang! Fixed.
It has been one month that we are in Italy. My son stopped his trichotillomania (obsessive hair pulling.) My other child who was considered "high-risk" in California is blooming. Both kids are eager to be at School. Not something we saw while in the States. I am so excited to see what else this move will bring us. And I look forward to reading your book. Thank you so much for all your work, Abigail! I tell all the fellow parents about you, your books and your blog.
I'd love to chat, if you have a moment. What's the best way for me to contact you? Or you can send me a DM on Twitter.... Thank you!
Abigail, I d be thrilled!
I don’t use twitter.. never understood its appeal. My email is Nat. @ gmail
I'm excited to read your book. It's getting worse. I've taught part time for 8 years in an adolescent unit of a local psych hospital. COVID did a lot of damage to teens too. Those who have experienced trauma, have neglectful or just plain bad parents suffer from depression and anxiety that normally would be overcome with time and maturity. Add pot for self medicating, low confidence, bullying, gender dysphoria, abuse--and kids want to run into traffic, take a bunch of pills and give up. They do need counseling but sad to hear it's not helping. It's a national tragedy. September is Suicide Awareness Month.
This looks great! As a registered nurse who worked in mental health for over 30 yrs before retiring from that career, and as a current group and individual therapist, I have to say you are absolutely on the right track, Abigail. Mental health and wellbeing interventions for young people seem to be all about inculcating them into the belief that if they have ANY uncomfortable emotions, upsetting thoughts or distressing experiences, there must be something wrong with them, or something wrong with the way they're being treated by others, or something wrong with the world in general. Either way the solution MUST be a diagnosis (or several), meds, psychotherapy and (unbeknownst to them) a lifelong career as a mental health patient. We're creating generations of hyper-fragile kids, who obsessively take their own emotional temperature every 5 minutes (as they're encouraged to do by schools now), some of whom become quite enraged, collapse into a state of infantile paralysis or become histrionic whenever life proves challenging. This is so destructive, and is seemingly motivated by what the Buddhists call "idiot compassion". Chronic avoidance of challenge combined with self-obsession and rumination are diametrically opposed to living well and having good social and emotional wellbeing. But this phenomenon is great for the mental health and pharmaceutical industries' bottom line.
“Mental health and wellbeing interventions for young people seem to be all about inculcating them into the belief that if they have ANY uncomfortable emotions, upsetting thoughts or distressing experiences, there must be something wrong with them, or something wrong with the way they're being treated by others, or something wrong with the world in general.” // Mental health counselor here, with a focus on adolescents. This could not be further from the truth of how I and my colleagues approach adolescent mental health. It’s totally normal and appropriate for young people (and all people, of course!) to experience uncomfortable emotions. It’s more about helping youth recognize that and build skills and resiliency to manage those ups and downs. I think a lot of what we’re seeing in mental health is a pendulum swing. I’m a millennial, 36, and I grew up in a home with two parents who had mental health struggles and soothed them with excessive alcohol use, among other things. I’ve worked hard (in therapy and in other contexts!) to learn other, more healthy coping skills for life’s inevitable difficulties, and I hope to pass along some of my learning. Just wanted to provide a counter-point to what you’ve experienced. I’m sorry that’s the o my model you’ve seen, but it’s not the only one! Thanks for all the years you served, by the way. So much respect for nurses!
You are both correct. There are many doing the things Ashley described, but there are many using other models of therapy. But there's no denying our society more and more treats every discomfort as a crisis, and then wants to medicate.
I touched on this above -- I wonder if, in some instances, treating "discomfort as crisis" might be our generation's over-correction of the previous generation's model of generally ignoring and even actively invalidating mental health issues.
I also wonder if some older adults might have a tendency, at times, to perceive younger adults' valid mental health concerns as insignificant or illegitimate because their own concerns were treated as such. When I speak with older adults about this topic, what I often hear first is that they're frustrated by how "coddled" younger adults are. Then they tend to list out all of the very legitimate and, often, truly traumatic difficulties they dealt with in their younger years, often with a sense of pride that they managed without support. When I validate their experiences, acknowledge their truly resourceful and resilient abilities to cope, and then mention that they deserved way more support than they got for those challenging experiences, many dissolve into tears. When I ask what's happening, most respond with some version of: "I just don't feel like I've ever really been able to say this or be taken seriously." I believe them.
All to say -- I just want to be careful about how we label the challenges our young people are facing today. Effective mental health professionals know (or should know!) how to validate without disempowering. Everyone should leave therapy feeling more empowered, not less empowered. It's honestly the whole point, IMO! But I can see how the pendulum could swing so far into validation that it actually creates a victim mentality. Something to stay aware of.
For what it's worth, I will likely read Abigail's book. All systems and institutions need constant, thoughtful critique. I'm here for it and curious to read what she learned.
"Everyone should leave therapy feeling more empowered, not less empowered." The money statement.
Your balance about these topics is excellent.
I agree, we absolutely need to recognise, not dismiss young people's unhappiness, whatever the cause. Therapy should be about validating and empowering. By validating, we're recognising that a person's in pain. We're not affirming that it's perfectly reasonable to be having a meltdown because their boyfriend forgot to call them first thing in the morning or that it's normal to want to starve yourself or to vomit 12 times a day. Validation isn't affirmation despite the gender clinicians and their advocates confusing the two.
You can certainly be compassionate and understanding while still judiciously and gently pushing for growth and better coping skills. This is what all good therapy does. Dialectical behavioural therapy is a great example. One of its mottos is "you're doing the best you can but you need to do better". DBT is all about mindfulness, relationships, self-reflection and developing the skills that comprise emotional maturity.
I think the mistake schools are making is that they're encouraging kids to focus on their feelings and they're indoctrinating them into the mental health narrative. This is not something untrained people should be doing. It's not the point of school either. Schools are more and more becoming social engineering factories. If they want kids to do well emotionally, there's so much they could do that would be helpful like: reduce the pupil to teacher ratio, provide plenty of time for play, have green spaces to play in, provide decent food, not junk food, make sure there are enough teachers to curtail bullying, keep the classrooms a comfortable temperature, provide fresh air, encourage interest in the external world not ruminative obsession with the internal world etc.
The goal of mental health interventions should be to help people deal with their pain and trauma, gradually reduce self-obsession, improve relationship and coping skills, and start engaging with others and with the world. So often the opposite is happening: people get lost in an isolating and self-defeating vicious cycle of trying to tinker with their emotions and thoughts in the hope of feeling better, which stops them engaging with others and the world, all the while making the likelihood of feeling better more and more remote. It's putting the cart before the horse. We feel better when we engage. Waiting to feel better before engaging is like tinkering with your car in the garage all the time rather than taking it out for a spin.
Good to read of your experience but unfortunately that's not the standard model here in Australia. Counsellors (like me, now that I've retired from nursing) aren't properly recognised, in the sense of having been integrated into the mental health system, and the default path for distressed young people leads frequently to GPs and/or psychiatrists and to medications. Psychologists can be seen at a subsidised rate for a limited number of sessions and they don't prescribe of course, and they do work to build resilience, but they're still expensive and many parents can't afford them on the kind of long-term basis many kids need. Plus the whole community has been indoctrinated into believing that depression and anxiety and a multitude of other emotions and behaviours are "diseases", so why wouldn't they go straight to meds?
There is certainly a recognition that group and individual therapy is important (again, for those who can afford it), but when people are medicated to the degree that I've seen many distressed young people medicated (eg one eating disorder patient I looked after was on 10 psych meds) they don't engage well with psychological therapy. However even more "normal" levels of prescribing dull emotional response. That's how they work.
Just to ward off what I anticipate as possible pushback on this from anyone reading this: drugs can be necessary and helpful at times for people with distress. Yes, but let's face it, they are drugs. People taking illegal drugs also consider them helpful and necessary. However taking them comes with a price tag. One of the costs is emotional and cognitive blunting.
I envy your counsellor-focused system in the US, but I don't know if we'll ever get there. And I suspect there is a huge cohort in the US (where I assume you are) of young people who go straight to psych meds and the "take meds when you're feeling bad" philosophy despite the availability of counsellors. Meds are probably cheaper than counsellors. And thats one of the other costs of the biochemical model. People who believe the problem is biological are less motivated to work on themselves. It can tend to make them passive and rather defeatist just as, from what I've read, people who don't believe in "free will" (the existence of which has been a longstanding philosophical debate) tend to be less optimistic about their ability to take effective action. The mere belief that it doesn't exist tends to disempower people.
(No one reading this who's on psych meds should take anything I've written as advice of any kind, let alone advice to come off meds. That's extremely unwise and must only ever be done under medical supervision.)
I'm with you, Jenny. Have seen, heard and experienced a lot of dysfunction in the field of mental health. It's now an industry that generates huge amounts of $$$ again, for guess who?? The narrative of ' chemical imbalance ' for depression was concocted by big pharma to sell more antidepressants. Mind you, with the additives to food, lack of good dietary habits, stress, and all the other additions to modern life, there might be a case for it, but it's not measurable by blood tests. There is a culture of victim-hood, people not wanting to take responsibility for poor choices, learned helplessness and hopelessness and quick fixes. Very few people want to do the hard yards. I know my view will be unpopular and politically incorrect. I have been a therapist for over 30 years. Few people want to be told the truth in love.
Very well said. In my experience this model is what we got every single time from any dr or psychoatrist who took insurance. Private pay dr's and programs were a completely different model. Insurance got us incompetence, placating, affirming, short appointments, no follow up, and lots and lots of pills. Over years. Private pay ($200K over a year) got us parents and our daughter skilled up and ready to overcome challenges, off most meds, back to highschool, etc etc. We did wilderness therapy, an amazing private pay therapist, and a special ed school that was paid for by the school district but we had to lawyer up for that because its $70K per year and of course the district didnt want to pay... they are almost bankrupt now from families like mine. And so the wheel spins...
Part of why there is such a disparity is just plain CASH. Hate to say it but its true. You simply cant have this conversation without acknowleging the parallel "pay to play" theraputic system in the US that only the elite has access to. And who do you think is making the rules about gender etc? Very telling.
Absolutely. It’s about careers and protecting the institution of psychiatry, which is not to say there aren’t many people of good will working in that field, only that the ones who actually help have largely jettisoned the DSM. The whole model is based on pure fabrication. There is no evidence of any chemical imbalance, nor do drugs target chemical imbalances, instead they cause such imbalances. Because psychiatry largely gave up providing psychotherapy when they embraced the biochemical model, (helped along by the fact that psychologists etc were stealing their patients) psychiatry is now stuck with a model that isn’t evidence based and which leads frequently to individuals acquiring more and more diagnoses and more and more meds.
The general attitude in mental health and in society now is that painful emotions are bad and the solution is prescription drugs. Great way, if taken too far, as it often is unfortunately, to end up obese, emotionally blunted, unable to work or to maintain meaningful social engagement and addicted.
Wilderness therapy is a great approach. We need more of that and similar approaches like care farms where kids get to look after and be around animals. Well done helping your kid!
I just pre-ordered. I have 5 kids and they've turned out pretty good -- a cop, a teacher, a math major, a new college student, and a digital artist. But one of my kids -- the one who moved to NY -- has been in therapy since she was 22. Her therapist has put her on multiple drugs for depression, ADHD, and things I don't even know about. I believe in therapy when there is a serious need -- and sometimes, people need to talk to a neutral third party to work through major issues (divorce, death, etc) ... but my daughter was never abused, she was raised in a solid middle class home with a good education and two parents who, though not perfect, stayed together (30 years and still going.) Virtually every one of her friends (all late 20s/early 30s) goes to therapy. I don't understand this. She thinks I don't support her therapy because I told her that there needs to be an end point -- that 5+ years of therapy is too much. If she has a problem to work through and the therapist can't help her work through it in a year, then maybe it's time to stop. She didn't like that and says I don't understand. .... Now that my oldest has a baby, I'm going to read this book and then give it to her.
Yours is an anecdotal acknowledgment of the deleterious cultural trends we're seeing. Such issues as described in this thread, and no doubt in Ms. Shrier's previous writings, as well as works by Greg Lukianof and Jonathan Haidt, et al, perhaps got a "foot in the door" during the years I was raising kids, but it wasn't widespread and didn't affect them. We raised them to take appropriate risks to learn and gain experience in the maturing process that would serve them as adults. Sounds, sadly, like your youngest fell into the most vulnerable age group/generation that is apt to have the toughest time going forward. I hope you're able to help extricate her from it and set her on a path where she will locate her own internal locus of control and take charge of her own life.
CORRECTED. I really misworded the first line making it read the opposite of what I meant!
Seven years ago, I began enduring gaslighting and emotional abuse at the hands of therapists. The last therapist I ever spoke to voluntarily was a man who chased me out of his office screaming and swearing at me. When I reported him to the psychological board he was licensed through, I was told that it probably wouldn't make a difference, and he continued to work as a psychologist. The existence of Ms. Shrier's book is the first thing that makes me feel like someone sees and understands my pain. We live in a society that is obsessed with mental health but doesn't put enough regulations on the people we pay money to safeguard it. Our society says "go see a therapist" as the answer to every problem, but when the problem IS therapy-created trauma, there is nowhere left to go. Thank you for your book.
When I was a graduate student in my early twenties I saw one of the university's therapists for a few sessions. At the end of one session, he looked into my eyes and asked me, "Don't you like me?" I left the room without saying a word and never went back.
*shudder* glad you left!
This is terrible, I’m so sorry you experienced that and then, on top of your personal experience, the lack of accountability from the board. Awful.
Wow! That’s terrible! Why does this jerk get a pass but JP needs re-education? Crazy. I believe you though. I resorted to therapy to help process some serious family drama and Kaiser assigned me to a black man who told me in my first session that I was a privileged white woman and I should just stop whining. I was gobsmacked. Last thing I needed. And basically the first time I had ever experienced anything similar because this was in Hawaii where I was born and raised and we didn’t have this kind of dynamic with our vary diverse population in the past. I fired him and have never been to a male therapist since. I kept trying others who did the bare minimum I was so desperate for, but honestly self healing with an energetic therapist was ten times better than dealing with everyone else’s hang ups.
Kaiser got my daughter a renowned eating disorder specialist psychologist, a fat white woman, who informed us that anorexia is caused by fatphobia, and fatphobia "was invented by the thin white men who control the AMA." I fired her. My daughter was so happy, and she recovered, she says, by watching tik tok videos of girls who had recovered from anorexia talking about how great it feels to be a healthy weight and have energy and eat food. (I also continued to take her for weigh ins and spoiled her with as much together time and physical affection/hair braiding as she could accept. And I cooked her favorite meals).
Just wow. Thank goodness your daughter has an intelligent parent who took the necessary steps to procure a recovery. I will definitely pass along the tiktok endorsement!
"Kaiser assigned me to a black man who told me in my first session that I was a privileged white woman and I should just stop whining". The unintended comedy from the woke provides much mirth for me, though I suppose in person it wasn't funny at the moment.
At the time I was not amused at all. I think I responded with a silent but expressive: What TF did you just say to me?? But I would be an un-evolved individual if I couldn't see the humor in it in hindsight.... Thanks for that!
My 65 year old friend has sole custody of her delightful granddaughter who just turned eleven. Several months ago, the child asked to see a therapist, and my friend asked me to help her find a good one. I went through all the local listings posted on Psychology Today but came up empty handed.
Even though this is a southern state, a red state, the therapist profiles bent over backwards to state how "trans" friendly and "inclusive" they were. And I told my friend they all seemed like they'd cause more harm than good. I shudder to think what might have transpired if my friend's dear granddaughter had been subjected to the indoctrination that passes for psychotherapy these days.
Yes- I was looking forward to your next book!. We so need your voice again on many podcasts as well!
Glad to see this pernicious toxin getting an airing! I've been observing this for decades now, in adults and now young people. Recently I watched a 'detransitioner' on Soft White Underbelly, and what struck me was how covetous she was of "my trauma." She seemed to have no other interests than herself and her "trauma." However, it did appear that she made her way to a better therapist who got her off the trans train and out into the world somewhat better off.
At the universities where I work, news stories that bear no relation to where we are beget mass emails encouraging students to seek therapy. When Trump was elected, the students asked what was wrong with me that I wasn't canceling class and crying. I get snarky remarks from colleagues for treating the students like adults. Some years ago, a student jumped out a dorm window (committed suicide) and one of my Korean students had been standing below when this happened. We all received the message to send students to counseling. This student told me that her parents said NOT to take the anti-depressants that were being nudged at her, and what did I think? I told her that even though what she had seen was terrible, and it would disturb her for a while, it would pass, and that she should listen to her parents regarding getting on medication. I then received a phone call from the Director of our department taking me to task for telling the student to listen to her parents and forego getting on anti-depressants. She also told me it was wrong to tell someone that the discomfort would pass. When I tried to convey to her that really, who has a choice, we all have to get on with it, the director said (I cannot stomach this sentiment as it's always used as an excuse for failure to thrive): EVERYBODY'S DIFFERENT!
It would seem obvious that encouraging people to feel upset in the guise of "mental health" would wreak havoc on our mental health. But apparently not. What's worse is that experiences labeled "trauma" are just.... part of life. Add to this the social justice white people bad, heterosexuality bad mantras....
Joshua Slocum and just last week Christopher Rufo argued that we're living in a "Cluster B Society" driven by narcissistic impulses. Absolutely. I hope this book sheds light on this matriarchal malaise. I hate to say it but...the drama queens are running the asylum. We need to wrest it from their control.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for all you do!
Just put in my pre order and can’t wait to read it. Thank you for your tireless work. I hope you know you are appreciated🙏♥️
Thank you so much!
As a psychologist and parent, I applaud your efforts.
way back in 1969, i went to see a therapist. i was 16 and had a crush on an older boy who was in therapy. it was "the thing to do" and i wanted to impress him. the psychiatrist gave me a month's prescription of Elavil. i took it for a few days but didn't like how i felt so every morning, when my mother gave me my pill, i palmed it and sent it down the sink drain.
after a month, i saw the shrink again and he said "i guess you need a refill on your antidepressant."
i said "you could do that but i'm just putting them down the drain. i haven't taken them for nearly the whole month. i didn't like how they made me feel."
"you don't need them then" was his reply and that was the end of our contact.
in college i majored in psychology with the intent of becoming a therapist but on the way to graduate school, i decided to do something useful instead.
in 1980, i befriended a man who was constantly in therapy. his wife was in therapy; his daughters were in therapy, he and his wife were in couples therapy. they were all in family therapy. i said to him "the only thing that changes in therapy is your bank account relative to the therapist's bank account."
in 2008 he got a divorce, saved a lot of money by not going to therapy and moved in with me.
As both a mother to an ROGD-afflicted daughter
and also a child and adolescent therapist, I am 100% in agreement with you. Your book helped save my daughter from medicalization because it was the first important work I came upon that finally supported everything that I was thinking but that the world was telling me was wrong. There’s a chance I might be able to be at both your Carolina and Virginia presentations, and I would sit in the front row and show you my unceasing gratitude and support.
I was in the audience last night at UVA. I am so sorry that you have to deal with the same protests and blatant misinformation/indoctrination every time you try to discuss the truth. I have to say that the biology professor upset me the most. Shame on all the adults who are perpetuating this by ignorantly and smugly thinking they are in the right while they do not stop themselves and simply ask, “What are we doing to children? How do these numbers of girls who don’t want to be girls and boys who don’t want to be boys make sense?” I also share your pain about having to speak out against this almost voluntary perpetuation of harm and tortured self identity while there is actual genocide still occurring in the world.