Parenting is hard but Adlerian methods which have been used for a long time now bridge the issues pretty well. You can show respect for the kids, but DEMAND respect from them.
The fail many are trying to avoid is "because I said those are the rules" parenting. But where they lose is letting the kid then make the rules. Make good rules and…
Parenting is hard but Adlerian methods which have been used for a long time now bridge the issues pretty well. You can show respect for the kids, but DEMAND respect from them.
The fail many are trying to avoid is "because I said those are the rules" parenting. But where they lose is letting the kid then make the rules. Make good rules and *explain* why they are the rules. And it's perfectly fine in Adlerian to say "the rule is we are not going to be late for school, so in one minute your choices are get in the car or I pick you up and put you in the car."
Holding the line often means you defend the line exactly one time.
Interesting. I had a pair of colleagues who when one of their kids was being perpetually dilatory simply let them miss the bus. The horror of possibly not getting an A from a missed test or something changed the behavior instantly. I do note that being grounded doesn't really work if the parent controls every waking moment of the child. Their kids (2000's generation) had bicycles and could go to the bookstore or comic store or whatever whenever they chose, to friends, to school, in Houston. One infraction, and they were grounded. The horror.
Lots of people think they can't control their kids. And I tell them, if they were walking towards the edge of a cliff, your reaction to that would teach them never to do that again. You just never choose to react as strongly to other things.
What parents often fail to realize is that they teach kids one way or another. If you teach them that whining will get them what they want, you are the one who taught them to whine. Days are long and hard, but being weak at the wrong times buys you a lot of work later. Just stand fast, show respect for the kid by not being arbitrary and by explaining things and telling them why rules exist, and then demand respect from them in return.
Why can't I be late for school? We think it's obvious because it's obvious to us that you just can't, but literally it's our job to teach them why, and you have to give it some thought to actually explain it because it seems so obvious to you, but there are actual reasons and if you find them and explain it, they respect it more.
Easier to learn consequences in grade school than as an adult. I have five children and allowed consequences to be an unforgettable teacher. I have a long list I can cite of the consequences each of them brought upon themselves; many times I had to do nothing but allow them. An F on a quiz or project, in the long run, is meaningless, but the lesson is not. The parents of my kid's friends were horrified that we did not intervene to "save" them from bad decisions. How could we do that disservice and say we loved them? Love means being willing to be unpopular if it is in their best interest; sometimes even "hated".
Parenting is hard but Adlerian methods which have been used for a long time now bridge the issues pretty well. You can show respect for the kids, but DEMAND respect from them.
The fail many are trying to avoid is "because I said those are the rules" parenting. But where they lose is letting the kid then make the rules. Make good rules and *explain* why they are the rules. And it's perfectly fine in Adlerian to say "the rule is we are not going to be late for school, so in one minute your choices are get in the car or I pick you up and put you in the car."
Holding the line often means you defend the line exactly one time.
Interesting. I had a pair of colleagues who when one of their kids was being perpetually dilatory simply let them miss the bus. The horror of possibly not getting an A from a missed test or something changed the behavior instantly. I do note that being grounded doesn't really work if the parent controls every waking moment of the child. Their kids (2000's generation) had bicycles and could go to the bookstore or comic store or whatever whenever they chose, to friends, to school, in Houston. One infraction, and they were grounded. The horror.
Lots of people think they can't control their kids. And I tell them, if they were walking towards the edge of a cliff, your reaction to that would teach them never to do that again. You just never choose to react as strongly to other things.
What parents often fail to realize is that they teach kids one way or another. If you teach them that whining will get them what they want, you are the one who taught them to whine. Days are long and hard, but being weak at the wrong times buys you a lot of work later. Just stand fast, show respect for the kid by not being arbitrary and by explaining things and telling them why rules exist, and then demand respect from them in return.
Why can't I be late for school? We think it's obvious because it's obvious to us that you just can't, but literally it's our job to teach them why, and you have to give it some thought to actually explain it because it seems so obvious to you, but there are actual reasons and if you find them and explain it, they respect it more.
Easier to learn consequences in grade school than as an adult. I have five children and allowed consequences to be an unforgettable teacher. I have a long list I can cite of the consequences each of them brought upon themselves; many times I had to do nothing but allow them. An F on a quiz or project, in the long run, is meaningless, but the lesson is not. The parents of my kid's friends were horrified that we did not intervene to "save" them from bad decisions. How could we do that disservice and say we loved them? Love means being willing to be unpopular if it is in their best interest; sometimes even "hated".